The ‘Global Citizen Festival’ is this Saturday, and there are a lot of rumours floating about it on the internet, because hey, it’s the internet. We’re going to address some of these rumours and dispel any questions you might have about the whole thing, unless of course that question is ‘why did I just pay 20 grand to watch Shraddha Kapoor promote a movie based on a Chetan Bhagat novel’; in which case we can’t help you.
- Demi Lovato is going to be at the concert. I’m guessing she’s one of the few Hollywood celebrities who took the campaign to leave the US in the event of a Trump Presidency literally.
- Coldplay will be performing for 90 minutes and not 20 as the liberal media will have you believe, that’s more than enough time for their four songs you actually listen to.
- The themes of this festival are Gender Equality, Education, and Sanitation, basically the only three things in the world that are sadder and need your immediate attention more than ‘The Scientist’.
- If you signed up to be a global citizen for free Coldplay passes and not because you care about social issues, you might actually be an even shittier human being than I am. These are important issues that need to be addressed, and the Global Citizen movement is the first step in doing just that.
- The international artists will perform for a total of 3 hours. Keep an eye out for Jay Z (has seen Beyoncé naked), and the Vamps (an EDM, slightly more effeminate One Direction).
When news of Coldplay performing at a random pub in Delhi first came to light a few months ago, young girls in Mumbai totally lost their shit. Coincidently, inherent gender inequalities and a primitive, colonial sewer system are issues that the festival seeks to address. All jokes aside, let’s not forget the real issues, women are oppressed, our sanitation system is barely there and children aren’t getting the education they deserve. The only people who can save us from ourselves are the British. Everyone loves Coldplay, and I think it’s wonderful that they’re using their star power to talk about systemic problems in our country that most of us would rather just wilfully ignore, mostly by listening to Coldplay and wallowing in self-pity.
I remember when I saw the music video ‘Hymn for the Weekend’, the one that was shot at Vasai Fort and how disturbed I was when I read the comments. I know reading comments on YouTube is never not an unpleasant experience, but rich Indian people from South Bombay talking about how poverty and slums don’t represent India shows how much we need a reality check and maybe this great movement is the best way to go about it.
As cynical as I am as a person I think it’s wonderful that Global Citizen is taking the initiative of getting young people into social service, through what looks like it’ll be a giant festival. I ask you to pledge their support for gender equality, take a pro sanitation stance and fight for every child’s right to education, not just on Twitter, or the next time there’s free tickets involved, but in practice.
Don’t be an anti-toilet, misogynistic, child beater like Derrick The Intern who refused to take the pledge then shouted ‘Trump 2016!’ and scurried out of the room. Each and every one of you can make a difference.