The Hood; The Bad And The Ugly

We stumbled across The Hood as any great explorer in a strange world would, by a series of tragic events. We’d just been denied entry to a place called Stadium Bar, that’s not really a bar, and has nothing to do with sports, apart from a casual reference to 1988 Michael Jackson performance at
Wembley stadium; when there wasn’t even a match on, plastered on bare brick wall.

The reason for this gross violation of our rights was a member of our unit choosing to wear shorts. Now there’s nothing wrong with shorts, but restaurants in Goregaon demand a certain level of decorum that we crass cityfolk just don’t understand. We did consider him leaving him behind, but we’re men of principles, so we just choked him out instead. Why a place masquerading as a sports bar would have such a counterintuitive rule escapes us. But it’s probably a racial thing; and you should boycott them. They also won’t let you in unless you’re wearing shoes, which is a tall order considering the fact that you’re in Goregaon and they’ll have already been stolen.

Our humiliation drove us even further north, to The Hood, a tavern that some locals recommended. It has everything we look for in a restaurant; a cool name. We think it’s supposed to be ghetto themed,
because of its bare brick walls and broken sofas, but that could just be Malad. They did, however take the racketeering aspect of life in the hood seriously and charged us 150 bucks for a can of tonic water, that’s Rs.50 MRP, and no more than 80 in significantly better restaurants.

But as fellow hustlers, we respect that; you gotta do, what you gotta do. So we’ve established that the music is bad, the seating is broken, and the mixers are a scam, but at least the food must me be good right? Not Really. We did try a few things on the menu, but they were somewhere between bad and average and aren’t worth writing about. But we’ll do it anyway, because we’re still pissed about them not letting us carry our brass knuckles into a place called ‘The Hood’.

King Calamari

Price: Rs.235

the hood

It’s very difficult to make something deep fried taste bad (unless you’re KFC obviously) but that’s precisely what The Hood managed to do with our calamari. They tasted like stale Uncle Chips, were positively squishy, and abysmally small. Whether you order it or not is your business.

The Kulfi Kebab

Price: Rs. 345

the hood

Despite the forced Game Of Thrones jokes that accompany it on the menu, the Kulfi Kebab was very
well cooked, and quite scrumptious; but without a doubt the nicest thing on the menu. It’s almost
worth the trip to Malad. Almost.

Pao Wow

Price: Rs. 205

the hood
We called for the Pao Wow because we weren’t quite sure what it was, and inspecting it on arrival
wasn’t much help. It was basically a pitiful portion of egg burji within two small pieces of bread, and
wasn’t particularly memorable either way.

The Decree: If you’re looking for cheap alcohol & a dark room to hide in and you happen to be in Malad, The Hood is your best bet, aside from therapy. But if you’re looking for a half decent dining experience, we’d really suggest anywhere else. Except Stadium Bar obviously, they’re the worst.

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