This is not to brag or anything, but as suave writers for a website with a prestigious sounding name, we do considerably well with the ladies. This has no context to the article; we just thought you’d be interested to know.
We discovered Poetry By Love And Cheesecake when our former Muslim Correspondent (she’s still Muslim, but no longer our correspondent) told us about it back in March. We tried every conceivable excuse to avoid it, because for men who hang around eating seafood under bridges, it was a little too pretty for our liking. We did end up going eventually, but only after much coercion, four push-ups(we wanted to do more), and several homophobic slurs unfit for publication.
Poetry By Love And Cheesecake is an extremely awkward place to review, when your companion is a man. It’s just really, really, gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. We pre-emptively assured the patrons and staff that we were indeed straight men, and avoided eye contact with each other for the entirety of the review so we wouldn’t rouse any suspicion. The whole place looked like it was designed exclusively for ladies’ Instagram feeds, which it probably was.
What really caught our attention was the absurdly narrow, winding staircase we were forced to climb to access the first floor. We did have to push the slightly overweight member of our party because he couldn’t actually fit through the narrowest section of the stairway. Fat people deserve love and respect.
Once we were settled at our table, we summoned our waiter to reassure him that we’re straight. And also to place our orders. We figured that everything we ordered would have to add value to an imaginary date (with a woman), because that seemed to be the only conceivable reason guys like us would ever find ourselves at a place like this.
Price: Rs 220
In a hypothetical date situation, we highly recommend you order something with Avocado in it to let her know that you’re a man of wealth and taste. The Avocado Bruschetta was exquisite and almost too complicated for our working class taste buds to process. It’s honestly something we wouldn’t mind eating again. We decided to skip the Chicken Bruschetta when they let us know that they substitute the baguette entirely for a slice of chicken, which seems like something KFC would do. That red stuff on top is sun-dried tomato, the only flavour in this dish we could recognize.
Cream Of Mushroom Soup
Price: Rs 160
Suggesting that you order soup will give your date the impression that you’re cultured and therefore a viable lover. You will have to eat the soup, but it’s really not that bad. It was our least favourite from everything we’d ordered, but you have to make sacrifices if you want to find true love.
Price: Rs 250
The Portobello Panino didn’t actually have any Portobello Mushroom, but we still liked it all the same. Explaining this to your date is a sign of intelligence, which women say they look for in men, so we’ll take their word for it. It might seem like this is one giant sandwich, but it’s really it’s just two halves stacked on one other; so there’s no need to bring out the steak knives.
TBR Insight: Poetry By Love And Cheesecake doesn’t keep steak knives.
New York Cheesecake
Price: Rs 180
You’d think that a place with ‘cheesecake’ in its name would have cheesecake on the menu. And you’d be wrong. They only way to check out their selection of cheesecakes is to attempt a arduous journey down the narrow staircase, which is harder to fit through after you’ve had generous helpings of soup and sandwiches. If you’re a fat person who barely fit through on the way up, congratulations, the first floor of Poetry By Love And Cheesecake is your new home. You live there now.
The New York Cheesecake had a fudgy chocolate base, instead of the traditional graham cracker. You’d think a place with a name like theirs would’ve perfected the classic cheesecake, but this was only moderately delightful. But don’t take our word for it, up until last week we didn’t even know straight men were allowed to eat cheesecake at all. It was super creamy, but still really good; we’d definitely recommend it.
The Decree: The only thing women love more than pretty things is food, and being able to take her to a place where not only the food is delicious but the Instagram opportunities are plentiful, will go a long way in letting her know what lengths you’re willing to go to to get into her pants. That being said, if you don’t plan on going here with a pretty girl, we suggest you don’t go at all. Poetry By Love And Cheesecake is pretty unapologetically a restaurant for women, and although we can’t say we didn’t enjoy the food, we were most certainly extremely uncomfortable the entire time. Maybe it was the floral wallpaper, the paisley cushions, or the romantic lighting; or maybe we’re just insecure about our masculinity. If you do go here with another dude, be sure to reassure your server that the two of you are straight, or they’ll give you the special menu for gays (extra meat).