McDonald’s has made quite a name for itself in the realms of fast food, Americanisation and global heart disease; but when all is said and all is done McDonald’s India’s selection of let’s call them ‘burgers’ is pretty abysmal by any reasonable standard. It’s almost tragic when you consider the fact that it was McDonald’s who opened Mumbaikars up to the idea of putting defrosted meat in bread that predates the Indus Valley Civilisation. McDonald’s did as much to change the pattern of global food consumption as Coca Cola did, but in a much shorter time frame and that too without the use of Colombian death squads.
Prior to 1996 the closest thing India had to a hamburger was a vada pav, or if a cow got hit by a speeding Tata Sumo. Today you can find small burger joints all around most major cities, even Chennai. The hamburger revolution we see before us never would happened without the help of McDonalds, which is why I will try my very best to be as respectful as is possible for a writer on an assignment he’s clearly going to regret.
McDonalds has, and has had several burgers that deserve to be on this list, they’re overpriced, toxic and worst of all, vegetarian. The closest thing to food you’ll find in McDonalds is the bits of plastic you find in your McNuggets. They all fluctuate between mediocre and horrifically bad, but only five could make it on this list, mainly for the safety of the writer. Here is my assessment of the worst burgers at McDonalds, with taste and price as the basis for my claims:
5) McAloo Tiki: Rs. 40
The McAloo Tiki was the least awful burger we came across, but only because it was the cheapest and had bread that didn’t look like a battered woman. The patty was hot, crisp and firm and not unacceptable considering the price. It was the closest thing McDonalds had to resembling actual human food.
4) Chicken McGrill: Rs. 47
The Chicken McGrill is conclusive proof that the wealthy deliberately go out of their way to make the poor suffer. There are several aspects of the McGrill that I call into question, not least of all whether or not the patty is actual chicken. Also what’s the deal with all the onions and that strange green chutney they drench it in? You’d think with credentials like these the McGrill would be given the honour of worst McDonald’s burger, but you’d be wrong.
3) McVeggie: Rs. 76
McDonalds has long shocked the world with its dangerous interpretation of hamburgers, and the McVeggie is no exception. The McVeggie tastes like a vada pav that wants to murder your family, and has an ungodly amount of peas. The patty was exceptionally soggy, even for McDonalds, and as much as I loathe the vegetarian community I don’t think they deserve anything close to this awful. The McVeggie is an expensive McAloo Tiki with delusions of grandeur.
2) McChicken Sandwich: Rs. 89
The McChicken Sandwich is the small pox of McDonald’s burgers, the only difference being they managed to eradicate smallpox. Our McChicken looked like it had been cheated on by it’s husband and then run over with his car. The McChicken patty is hidden under the depressing layers of bruised, limp lettuce and you can barely taste it over the mayonnaise. Once you do taste the patty, you realise why everything else in the burger was designed specifically to stop that from happening. It tastes exactly like a frozen chicken patty that was left outside the house for three years before being dragged in by a cat.
1) Chicken McSpicy: Rs. 127
You know you’re being robbed blind when you’re paying triple digits for a burger so disgusting it makes KFC Zingers seem like five-star food. Not only is the McSpicy bad in its own right, it has an awful aftertaste that haunts you into the next day, and possibly the next century. Apart from being artificially spicy, the burger itself is completely tasteless and is home to a virtually nonexistent, yet pleasantly rectangular patty that looks, tastes and feels like you’re biting into an eraser.
After eating a large meal at McDonalds I can solemnly state my conclusion. Don’t. There are plenty of amazing burgers in this city (stay tuned), and no one should have to go through what we just did. It’s amazing how a company that sells ridiculously overpriced, deep fried garbage that’s likely to kill you, can dominate the burger industry of a country thousands of miles away, but that’s marketing for you.