This Mumbai Chef Spills The Beans On Zoobar

This Article was written by Arpit Purohit, a trained pastry chef and professional angry person. Even though he lives in Goregaon, he’s a pretty cool person. He’s also a vegetarian who only drinks vodka.

I’ve always been hearing wonderful things about Zoobar from my suburban acquaintances, and I’ve wanted to go there myself for the longest time imaginable. So I did. Because I’m a strong independent man who isn’t afraid of his mother. The only thing that ever really stopped me from going was the fact that it’s near Vile Parle station. I thought to myself,’ why the hell would someone open a great bar near Vile Parle station?’. And I got my answer soon enough. It turns out Zoobar isn’t a great bar at all. Unless you’re super into Karaoke.

They have two sections, a shady non smoking section, and an even shadier smoking one. The theme works beautifully I’ll give them that; it really manages to capture the misery and sadness you’d find at most zoos. But I’m being a bit harsh, it really is well done, they even have a life size model of a giraffe, which I know for a fact they had to have had custom made. Because I asked.  It was surprisingly empty for a restaurant on a Sunday night; it wasn’t even a great turnout for a zoo. I called for a Corona, because I was educated in London, but they were completely out so I had to make do with a Kingfisher instead.

Now let’s talk about the food, it wasn’t entirely bad, but the portions were pretty stingy, so stingy that just to sustain myself I had to walk across the street to McDonalds to get a burger. The ultimate act of desperation for any self respecting human being. So as someone who has good reason to despise Zoobar and everything they stand for, I’m going to diss everything I ordered in two sentences or less.

1) Cottage Cheese Harissa

Price: Rs. 315

The Cottage Cheese Harissa was just okay. I mean it was basically just Paneer tossed with some Chinese Gravy, but if they called it Paneer Masala they’d have to knock 200 bucks off the price.

2) Loaded Fries

Price: Rs.315

I didn’t particularly care for the fries; they were so bland I had to call for ketchup, which for a chef is as repulsive an act as adultery or wearing a digital watch.

3) Sautéed Mushrooms

Price: Rs.315

How difficult is to sauté mushrooms?  They tasted more like boiled mushrooms than anything.

4) Primevera Pizza

Price: Rs.595

This was literally Zoobar’s only saving grace, it was a reasonably nice pizza but tasted like manna from heaven after the other stuff I was forced to eat.

Can I say I liked Zoobar? No, not really. As a culinarian, and a person with a stomach and tastebuds, I didn’t care for it in the least. But I did like the ambience and the fact that they let you bring pets. Again, I don’t know what the health board will have to say about that when I rat on them tomorrow. We’ll just have to wait and see.

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