Let’s Just Please Stop Having Dry Days

image: lightfootdiaries.com
image: lightfootdiaries.com

My casual 11am drinking was stopped short today in lieu of something called ‘Ashadi Ekadashi’, a festival that I’ve not only never heard of in my entire life, but also one that is apparently important enough to to call for a statewide ‘dry day’ in this, the great state of Maharashtra. Unfortunately, however, it’s somehow still not important enough for an actual holiday.

My natural response to this would be get plastered and curse the system, but since that is something I’m currently unable to do, let’s take a moment to examine the fallacious redundancy of Dry Days. Let’s momentarily ignore the fact that dry days make no real sense, and pay attention to the fact that they shouldn’t exist at all, in a supposedly secular state. Why should I have to tone down my debilitating alcoholism for a festival that neither me (nor my bartender) have heard of? Drinking copious amounts of cheap alcohol and cursing the government is my right as an Indian, and it pains me that something this nonsensical still exists. Alcohol prohibition, more often than not, has done more bad than it has good, and we, the masses, must pay its price. Also, dry days can be cleverly circumvented by the ingenious tactic of stocking up on alcohol the day before, something those old bastards in Parliament will never see coming. You just need to know when they are.

Our friends at bootlegger.in created this handy list of dry days, so you know just when to buy that extra quarter of Old Monk.
Our friends at bootlegger.in were kind enough to let us use this handy list of dry days, so you know just when to buy that extra quarter of Old Monk.

What I’m trying to say is, it’s 3pm on a Friday, and I’m completely sober, and that is something that I will not stand for.

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