The Bombay Report might come across as a bitter organisation that revels in insulting people, places, and inanimate objects from our ivory tower in Santa Cruz. But that’s not who we are. We’re really just passionate individuals trying to make the world a better place by writing extensively about cheap beer. And if that means occasionally using our connections and influence to say mean things about restaurants we find subpar, thereby crushing their hopes and dreams and damning them to imminent failure, then so be it.
While we are a fundamentally autocratic company, we do occasionally take restaurant suggestions from our community of readers; all eight of them, and things usually turn out rather well. Unfortunately, this wasn’t one of those times. On paper, The Burgery has everything we look for in a great restaurant, burgers, small furniture so we could cosplay as slightly taller people, and being in Bandra. It has a name that sounds a lot like an act that God would disapprove of, which we found to be very edgy, and all their social media handles are plastered on the walls to compensate for their lack of industry awards; which is, coincidentally, exactly what we do at the Bombay Report office.
It also resembles a shipping container, which oddly satisfied our ongoing lust for the sea. It has at least 7 CCTV cameras, which would seem unnecessary for an establishment that’s no more than 400 sq feet; but the gourmet burger business is far more brutal than the general public has been led to believe.
After spending a lot of time navigating ourselves into a semi-comfortable position through the miniscule furniture which stopped being quirky after the first ten seconds, we braced ourselves for an unforgettable dining experience. We called for three items on the menu;
Cheesy Fries
Price: Rs.185
The Cheesy Fries were a disappointment by virtue of the way they were presented. Imagine the biggest bowl you’ve ever seen with a few average looking fries in the middle and a tonne of space to spare. It just seemed wrong. The Cheesy Fries reminded us of the Mexican Cheesy Fries you get at McDonalds; which isn’t really a compliment and made us feel slightly queasy when we were done. You should really just give it a pass.
Tenderloin Burger
Price: Rs.345
We were really looking forward the Tenderloin Burger after seeing some saucy pictures of it on the menu, but what we were given was a pretty looking bun with a mince patty so small we could barely even see under all that bread and onions. We confronted the waiter who’d spent almost the entire duration of our meal staring down at us from the staircase immune to the fact that we could actually see him. He simply told us that the patty shrunk in the oven; which if true meant that the patty in the picture was raw.
All of this would be well and good if the burger tasted good, which it didn’t. We wouldn’t go so far as to call it bad, just a let down.
Stuffed Chicken And Cheese Burger
Price: Rs.345
We’d heard incredible things about the Stuffed Chicken And Cheese Burger from readers who are now dead to us. Unfortunately, Burgery did not have any in stock that day, which would have been perfectly understandable if they hadn’t waited thirty minutes after we’d ordered to tell us, after the rest of our food was already at our table. Super weird.
The Decree: We were rather disappointed that Burgery turned out to be such a let down, but we do see potential. All they need to do is change everything about it.
