Before we delve into the glorious history of Yoko Sizzlers, we’d like to invite you join our group on Facebook, which we’ve been compelled to create because the posts on our page keep getting hidden from everyone’s feed by Facebook’s (((algorithms))). By signing up, you agree to use the group solely to express your love for Mumbai’s diverse and delicious cuisine, and not coordinate mass online attacks against Buzzfeed. That would be a tragedy. The group is called the The Bombay Report Clubhouse, and if that dissuades you from joining, we don’t blame you.
Sizzlers aren’t nearly as popular as they were in the 2000s. Somewhere along the course of human evolution, people realised that waiting in a cloud of smoke for your food to cool down while having droplets of boiling water splatter on your face stops being exciting after the first eight seconds. Yet, despite that, Yoko still stands defiant against the merciless march of time, serving up steaks and 1st degree burns like it’s nobody’s business. And we decided we the right men people for the job.
The Yoko we walked into wasn’t quite like the ones we remembered, there was weird, modern art on the walls, and the music playlist seemed to have been put together by someone serving their notice period. Between Bryan Adams’ Summer of 69 and Wham’s Last Christmas, (in the month of February mind you), we were just one Wonderwall away from walking out. What we were very impressed with, however, was the delicious water we were served, on the few occasions that the waiter deemed fit to actually serve us. It almost made us forget that it’s turning the frickin frogs gay.
Wasting most of the vegetables is part of the charm of eating Sizzlers, but we were appalled to see that Yoko now also served half-sized portions. We did technically order the half-sized portions, but exclusively for science & research purposes, allowing us to stay alert throughout our meal. So for those of you who will inevitably call us fags in the comments, we’ve pre-emptively deprived you of that pleasure by stating our rationale in a mature, respectful manner. We ordered the Pepper Steak with Mushrooms and the Mutton Satellite.
Pepper Steak With Mushrooms
We had fond memories of Yoko’s pepper steak, and we honestly don’t know why. It was a pleasant meal no doubt, but something wasn’t quite right. We ditched the random assortment of vegetables for extra fries free of charge, which not many people know is something you can do. The sizzler had a sizeable amount of steak despite it being the ‘small’ version, the charred mushrooms were gargantuan and arguably the best part of the whole meal, while the fries were thick and absorbed the pepper sauce like a dream. Overall, we’d say it makes for good eating.
We called for the Mutton Satellite because what the hell is a Mutton Satellite? We thought we could make fun of its objectively funny name, but after tasting it, that would almost seem mean spirited. The Mutton Satellite contained a few big chunks of boneless mutton with a slice of melted cheese on top. It sort of reminded us of the Mutton Argentina at Bembos, whose untimely demise has haunted us since 2010. We actually enjoyed it a lot more than the Pepper Steak, which was unexpected.
The Decree: We were worried that our trip to Yoko Sizzlers would be a huge disappointment, but it wasn’t. We were reasonably satisfied with our meals and while it was still a bit on the expensive side, we’re glad that it still exists as a viable dining option. Just like A1 Bakery and Kyani’s, we’re happy that this defining fixture of our youth continues to stick around, even if we barely ever visit. Love you grandma.